The Story That Was Never Told

  The Story That Was Never Told

I think it’s the rain I remember the most. The way the drops fell onto my cheeks and mixed with my tears. I can almost still feel them. Even after all this time.

The date was March 3rd, 1996. I was stationed onboard the USS Nimitz. My squadron, The HS-8 Eightballers ( a helicopter sea combat squadron based out of Naval Air Station North Island, San Diego CA). I was an Aviation Technician. My job was to keep the radios, sonar, and various other equipment I’m not supposed to talk about in working order in the helicopters.

Truth be told, I wasn’t very good at my job. I had gone to school for it about nine months in Millington TN at the start of 1993. Studied all kinds of math and practical applications. I actually learned a lot. But, after I graduated, I got assigned TAD, which stands for Temporary Assigned Duty. And I then had to work in the galley and a transport depot and the Line Shack. Also cleaned a lot of toilets and waxed a lot of floors. Oh, and I painted….everything.

Anyway, after about a year of TAD, I had forgotten everything I’d learned in school and when I finally made it to my AT shop, I didn’t belong. I tried to learn as I go, but when you are alone on the flight deck of an aircraft carrier and there’s a spinning helo right in front of you and people are yelling at you to go and fix this or that so they can take off, and the entire ship is waiting for you because the jets can’t take off until the helo does… yea, not the best place to learn as you go.

I hated that job. Or actually, I moreover hated the fact I wasn’t properly trained for that job. It was horrible. Most of my experiences were horrible when I was in the NAVY. 

I did have a few good ones which somedays stand out above the rest, but for the most part, after my four years were up, I was glad to go. 

The Captain offered me an increase in rank to PO2 and a $25,000 bonus if I chose to reenlist, but I turned him down. 

So, yes, the USS Nimitz had pulled into the waters off Taiwan to relieve the USS Independence. We were there to calm a volatile stand-off between China and Taiwan. 

After a while, we left there and sailed down to Bangkok Thailand. It would seem that things had gotten a bit sticky there as well as their elections were being held and the nation was tense. So, I suppose since we were in the area, we decided to sit a spell to ease things a bit. Also for some much-needed R & R in Bangkok.

Cell phones in 1996 were nowhere near as sophisticated as they are now. I had one but the reception was basically gone after we left the states. So, after the Nimitz had docked, they set up a series of about 5 or 6 phone stations in the Hangar Bay that were directly connected to Bangkok’s phone system. I hadn’t gotten a letter from my wife at the time, for weeks, or maybe months, so a chance to call home was at the top of my to-do list.

Before I go into what happened next, I should tell you a little bit about my ex-wife. I’m not going to say her real name for legal reasons and what-not, so from now on I will refer to her as Angie. A completely made-up name but it will suffice. 

Angie and I met in high school. Yes, high school sweethearts if you will. We dated all through Junior and Senior years. I honestly thought in my very young mind I had found the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. But, as we all know, the young are usually not as wise as they would like to think they are. I was no exception.

In Senior year I joined the JROTC. It is basically a class that helps you prepare for the military. And by taking it I was able to go to boot camp as an E-2 and not an E-1. And trust me, there is a big difference in boot camp. Us E-2s got to be in charge a lot and that also meant a lot more responsibilities. But, this story isn’t about boot camp.

After graduation, Angie and I decided we would get married after I got back from boot camp. It was a mutual decision really so she could come down to Millington with me. Girlfriends were not allowed but wives were.

Well, after I returned, we didn’t get married then. Not until I came back home on Christmas break. We got married in her apartment on December 29th. We didn’t invite our families and it was done by the Justice of The Peace. Very informal and very quick.

Now she was able to return with me to Millington. We rented a house on the base while I finished school. Life was going pretty well. 

After I graduated from Aviation Tech school, I got my orders to transfer to San Diego and be attached to HS-8. I was very excited and so was Angie. We packed up all our belongings and made the drive across the country. It took a week because there really wasn’t any rush. We had about two weeks to get there.

Once there, reality came crashing down. We had no place to live and no money. Again, I was young and not the wisest. But, after some pleading with the base human resources people, we managed to find an apartment in San Diego. It was very expensive, and we didn’t live there long.

I remember I had to deploy on the USS Carl Vinson for about a month for training ops. When I returned, Angie had arranged for a new place for us to live. It was with a man and his three kids. He was also in the military, stationed on a submarine. Angie had agreed to live there and take care of his two boys and one daughter. 

It wasn’t the most terrible place to live actually. It was out in Lemon Grove, a small suburb just outside of San Diego. Not a far drive to North Island either. The kids often got on my nerves though and we had no privacy. It was not the best of situations, but as money was lean, it had to do.

Plus, when the man (I’ll call him Joe) had to deploy for six months, he took his kids to his mother’s and that meant the whole house was ours.

We did have a lot of great times. A lot of drinking and partying. And in reflection, I think that’s when things started going south for us. It was nothing specific but there was definitely a tension between us now. Very little communication and a lot of drinking. I had my friends over and she had hers. You could almost feel the end brewing.

Well, it went on like that for years. I had to deploy for six months onboard my first ship The Carl Vinson. During that first deployment overseas which began February 17th, 1994, my relationship with Angie was good. I received and wrote lots of letters and I even got a few boxes with cookies and stuff inside. Care packages were a big hit on the ship because if one guy or girl got one, we all got one. It was shared which was the unspoken rule.

After I returned to Alameda on August 17th, I got on a plane and returned to San Diego. I immediately felt things were strained between us. I never knew what happened while I was gone but Angie seemed distant. And maybe, upon reflection, so did I. We had grown apart. 

Also, our living situation was horrible. We had to move out of the large bedroom and into a very small one because Joe had met a woman who had moved in with her disabled son. Yes, it was getting very crowded in that house.

After only one month of being home after a six-month deployment, our squadron changed commands and was stationed on the Nimitz, which, unfortunately, was scheduled to go out for another six-month deployment in just a few days. The news for devastating. I didn’t want to go and she didn’t want me to go either. But I couldn’t just tell the NAVY no. 

So, I packed my things, again, and shipped out. 

I remember seeing her on the dock as I entered the Hanger Bay. I waved goodbye and noticed something that haunted me for the next four months at sea. There were no tears this time. On her face or on mine.

Ok, as I said before, during this deployment, there were very few letters. No care packages. Not much of anything. I had no money as I was sending my entire paycheck home. Four months drug on by so very slowly. Until we docked in Bangkok and I was able to call home.

As I said, there were five or six phone stations set up and behind each one was a very long line. A lot of guys and a few girls (we had just a handful of women on aircraft carriers at that time) were waiting patiently because if there was one thing a person stationed on an aircraft carrier knew how to do, it was waiting in line.

When it was finally my turn, I sat down in the very warm seat and picked up the old fashioned phone. Only this phone had no buttons or dials. I picked up the receiver and this person with a thick Thai accent asked me for the number. I gave it to them and in a few moments, I was connected.

I was so excited to hear Angie’s voice. It had been four months since that night on the dock. I waited a minute and finally, a man answered the phone. It was Joe.

“Hey man, it’s so good to hear from ya, how ya been?” Joe asked me. Clearly stalling from telling me the news. “Oh hey Joe, I’m doing ok. You know how it is.” I made small talk but was eager to talk to Angie. “Yea, I sure do, I sure do.” He replied. “Joe is Angie around, I miss her man.”

There were a few moments of silence after that. Long enough I thought maybe I had been disconnected. “Joe? You still there?” I asked him. “Yea, sorry man, I’m here.” After a long sigh, he went on. “I got some bad news buddy. I didn’t really wanna tell you this now, you being all the way over there, but you got a right to know.” The sadness in his voice was clear which made me think the worst. “What is it, Joe? Did something happen to Angie? Is she ok?”

Another deep breath and he answered, “Dave, she’s been cheating on you. With one guy I know of for sure. I’m so sorry man.”

Sitting there in that warm chair, in the loud hanger bay of the USS Nimitz, my world crumbled all around me. Hearing those words was like a knife had been plunged through my chest and out the back of the plastic seat where my legs had gone numb. 

I could feel tears welling up but I fought them back. I didn’t want to be a blubbering fool in front of the whole ship.

“She’s been cheating on me?” I managed to ask him although I don’t remember uttering the words out loud. My throat had become as coarse as sandpaper. 

“Yea, I caught her once and there were phone calls. I’m so sorry man.” My voice got lost but eventually, I told him I needed to talk to her and he gave me the number she had left when she moved out, two months ago……..Two months ago.

We were restricted to one call but I hung up the phone quickly as I hadn’t yet met my ten-minute limit. I picked the receiver back up and told the Thai lady with the thick accent the number. She connected me and the next voice I heard was Angie’s after four months of being at sea.

I won’t go into every word said as there was a lot of cussing and yelling. She told me that she had met a man at a country-western bar and they had had sex. And there had been others. I remember her voice being cold and callose when she told me.

I asked her how she could do this to me and her reply was that she knew I just found out but she had had four months to get over me.

Four months almost to the day I told her goodbye from the dock. The day we shed no tears.

After more yelling and tears that clearly could not be withheld any longer, I hung up the phone. 

The walk from the hanger bay up to the shop was difficult. Like swimming through mud uphill. My legs didn’t seem like they wanted to support me any longer. I stopped halfway there and made a detour to the smoking area. There I think I smoked half a pack of Marlboro’s. One right after the other. If my throat was sore before, it was on fire now.

I made it back to the shop and there I told my best friend about what had happened. Mike comforted me and because he knew Angie couldn’t believe this had happened. Somehow the news spread and my Chief Petty Officer English found out about it and had me brought to his office. We talked and I was placed on a suicide watch, which I suppose is standard for this type of thing on a ship with 5000 men on board. Happens a lot.

I eventually talked English into letting me go out into town with my friends. To have some fun and blow off steam. He agreed and asked a few of the men to watch me. I overheard him say that. He was not a quiet man.

We went out to Bangkok and they were having their New Year celebration. In Thailand, they don’t just use fireworks, although some do I suppose, but there they spray you with SUPER Soaker squirt guns and throw flour all over you. And drink… a lot. It was a lot of fun.

I remember the whole time I was out there having fun that this was going to be the last day of my life. So I might as well enjoy it. I even remember a few Thai girls getting all close to me and sitting on my lap. At that point, I didn’t even care. Guilt was not something I could feel at that moment. So I had as much fun as I could. Within reason of course. I did still have to make it back to the ship to carry out my plan.

Towards the end of the day, it had begun to rain. Hard rain with big drops. I remember rushing back to the ship with my friends before we drowned. 

When we made it back to our berthing area, where we slept, we went our separate ways and showered. Each of us settling in for the night.

I went to my rack and laid down. I knew in the morning the ship was set to depart for Hawaii so we would be on open seas by the afternoon. I had tomorrow off too so I would sleep till then.

The next day I could feel the ship rocking back and forth very slowly. You could almost not feel it as the carrier was so large, but the storm that was raging had made the waters extra choppy. 

I got dressed in my dungarees and opened my rack. There, in the side compartment next to my toothbrush, was a shiny metal blade. I placed it in my pocket and left the rack for the last time. Smoothing out my grey blanket as I walked away.

Upon the flight deck, the area was clear. The storm had canceled flight ops and the sky was dark with little streaks of lightning. The rain continued to pelt down on me as I walked up from the catwalk onto the rough deck above.

The wind was extreme and it pushed me back, but I leaned forward and made my way to the bow of the ship. I looked down and saw the safety netting there. I remembered when Dulac and I had stood in this very spot and sung White Christmas together. We could have been a singing duo, we were that good.

I reached over with my right hand and pulled the gold band from my finger. The skin underneath felt smooth. I rubbed it between my fingers.

I took the wedding ring and let it drop into the roiling waters below. I watched it fall in slow motion, turning over and over until the ocean reached up and ate it with one bite. That was that.

I just stood there for a long time like that. Letting the tears mix with the rain. Feeling the wind constantly push me back. It stung my eyes if I tried to open them.

I must have been there a while because one of the MP’s had been making his rounds and saw me standing on the edge of the ship. He told me to head back down because it wasn’t safe up on deck. I nodded at him hoping he could not differentiate between the tears and the rain on my face.

Back down below, I went to the nearest Head, one I knew would be empty this time of night. And I was right. I opened the door and walked in. It was cold and smelled of urine. I walked back to the last stall and opened the blue door. I stepped inside and took off my coat and hung it on the back. I sat down with my pants still on and rolled up my sleeves.

I reached into my left pants pocket, no longer feeling the familiar scrape my ring always made on the stitching and brought out the razor blade.

I felt it over with my fingertips and even let it cut me slightly into one. Drawing only the tiniest bit of blood. I watched the small droplet bead up and fall to the floor.

My thoughts and memories were like the storm above me. Of Angie and all our years together. My heart felt like it had already stopped and I hadn’t even done it yet. 

I took the blade in my left hand and placed it firmly against my right wrist. Immediate pain flooded the receptors in my brain and they yelled at me to stop, but I didn’t. I couldn’t stop now.

I pushed it in further until a steady stream of blood trickled out of my arm and onto the floor by my shoes.

I remember thinking that this was it. This is how I’m going to die. Alone, on a toilet. This is how they will find me. Blood pooled at my feet and most likely stinking in this bathroom with very little ventilation.

Angie’s face kept coming back into my head over and over and I let the blood flow.

I don’t know how long I sat there only that the lightheadedness had made it’s home in me now. I looked at my wrist and even though the slice was not large, it had been efficient. Just under my thumb on a large vein. 

I don’t know if it was my imagination or what, but at that very moment, when I could feel my body becoming numb, I heard a voice. It was a woman’s voice. A soft, gentle voice. And she quietly asked me, “Please stop.”

It took her to repeat it a few times before she was able to rouse me back to my senses. And, I don’t know why or how I think this is true, being as I don’t really believe in these sorts of things, I really think that voice belonged to my mother. 

She passed away when I was three to cancer and I really think that was her urging me to stop.

Well, needless to say, she succeeded. I got myself up and went out of the stall to the sink. I grabbed the first aid kit on the wall and bandaged myself up really well and kept my wrist elevated. It eventually stopped bleeding.

I replaced the soiled bandage with a new one and cleaned up my blood from the floor until everything looked as it had before. Urine smell and all.

After I made it back to my rack I smoothed the grey blanket over again and sat down, taking off my boots. I noticed a few drops of blood had made their way on the top of one. I spit on it and wiped them away. I wiped it all away. All the pain I had felt and the hurt, I wiped it all way. 

I knew in my heart now I had so much to live for. A future I didn’t even know was waiting for me. A woman who loves me to no end and a beautiful, talented, kind-hearted daughter I wouldn’t trade for the world. I would have missed it all if it had not been for those soft kind words, “Please stop.”

Thank you, mom.

This is the very first time I have written this down or told anyone. It has always been a private weak moment in my life but I wanted to share it just in case it might help someone else down the road. We have no idea what is in our future. Could be bad, could be good, but we will never know unless we live our lives the best as we can.

Thank you for reading.